It’s a gloomy Saturday afternoon. What better time to address some frequent questions we receive!
“How did you introduce polyamory and/or multi-partner sex into your relationship?”
We started dating in 2003, and by that time I had been actively dating and bedding men (and a few women) for years. I had had one threesome experience with a couple that didn’t really involve me having sex, but there was some oral and lots of kissing and groping, etc. One of my husband’s previous girlfriends had a girlfriend, so he had even more threesome experience prior to our relationship. He had also done a bit of same-room or swapping stuff with couples when he was younger. We each came into our relationship with some experiences under our belts.
We met online, on AFF, and started dating casually because we enjoyed having sex with each other. We didn’t mean to fall in love and spend our lives together. We were just trying to have a nice time. I have always enjoyed watching porn, as does my husband, so we would watch porn together. My husband, knowing I was bisexual, appreciated that I felt comfortable discussing my attraction to other women with him. We would see an attractive woman on the street and talk about it, things like that. We had always liked talking dirty during sex, so other girls made their way into our dirty talk. It wasn’t long before we were discussing threesomes, and within six months of dating we were actively seeking it out.
We didn’t just dive right in to messing around with couples… it was something that happened gradually. We had a few threesomes with women, and when that became passé (can sharing a gal ever really become passé?) we decided we wanted to be watched while having sex. We met a nice guy, and he sat in a chair in my bedroom while we fucked… but I also ended up giving him a blow job while my husband and I had sex. That was the first time another man was introduced to our lovemaking.
We spent years trying to meet a girl who would be OUR girlfriend and in a relationship with us and along the way we enjoyed threesomes that would occasionally work out… but even MFF action is hard to find. Single bisexual girls are the unicorn of the multi-partner sex world. Mythical creatures. We decided we might just have to settle for a couple. And it really felt like that, like we were settling. Oh, no… we were going to have to deal with some guy just so we could play with a lady together. How horrible!
We had several fun experiences with other couples, and eventually decided that maybe couples weren’t so bad. My husband certainly enjoys watching me with another man as much as he enjoys watching me with another woman. I love watching my husband with other women. I know how good he makes me feel, so it pleases me to see him make other people feel that good.
Fast forward a few years: We met a couple with whom we became friends and spent much quality time. This was right before we got married in 2008. That couple split up and we ended up having a close relationship with the female for about a year and a half. After we parted ways with her we dabbled with a few more couples here and there, but didn’t meet anyone with whom we had a strong connection. Then we met a couple at a club we like to go to, and they lived in another city. They would come stay the weekend with us and we’d hang out and occasionally mess around after an evening of being out on the town. That went on for a few months before they moved to another state.
Those friendships with added intimacy were really nice, and we found that we missed them when they ended. But it’s hard enough finding one person you have chemistry with, let alone three other people.
So that’s how we come to be in our current state. We want to make friends, but friends that we can touch and kiss and hug. If a woman enters our life and our hearts, fantastic! If it is a couple instead, just as great. The more the merrier! We want a big household of loving people who get along and like to bump uglies.
“What was your first experience with another couple like?”
I have a really horrible memory and cannot recall the exact order of our romantic and sexual adventures over the years… so I had to ask the Mister to help out with this one. Here is what he had to say:
We met a couple, a bit younger than us, through Craigslist and they were interested in just having sex in the same room with another couple also having sex, not swapping partners. We exchanged a few e-mails, established enough common interests and whatnot, and met for dinner. Then went back to my house (this was before we were married) for drinks and more conversation. PolyAmazing and I excused ourselves to talk and we agreed, although the chemistry level wasn’t entirely there, to proceed since they weren’t interested in swapping. We had a fine time and agreed to meet them again. The next time while we were hanging out they told us that they had decided that they were interested in oral swap. We excused ourselves again to discuss, and didn’t really want to go forward, but we were in a difficult position and didn’t know how to get out of it without weirdness and hurt feelings. So, we went ahead. This is part of the learning curve of our experiences with group sex. We’ve learned that the way out of that position is to not get in it in the first place. In any event, that was an awkward experience and ended with some discomfort for everyone. That was the last time we saw that couple, because it turned out that the male half had been secretly seeking another relationship all along.
“When you find a couple you’re interested in, how often do you meet for sex?”
Yes, there are people who are perfectly fine with meeting someone, getting naked, and having sex. We just aren’t those people. We are interested in meeting people with whom we develop a friendship, and, if we’re lucky, we’ll all be attracted to one another. When we had a couple with whom we were friends and were seeing regularly we usually saw them once every week or two weeks or so… but seeing them didn’t only mean having sex with them. It just meant spending time with them. Sex happened when the mood was right for everyone. If we meet a couple we like, we’d still just want to see them like normal people… with the added bit that chemistry and attraction leads to flirting.
And sometimes flirting leads to sex.
“How do you deal with feelings of jealousy?”
The first time I saw the Mister have sex with a girl it was entirely awesome, until she asked him to come inside of her. Then there was this stone that suddenly appeared in my stomach. It hurt and I wanted him to stop. So I told him, and he stopped. I’m a very emotional person.
Jealousy is a fear that someone will take something away from you… not that someone will have something. It’s important to embrace that and to be honest about how you feel. Our sex life was a very gradual progression. We had rules and boundaries when we first started messing around with people that we just don’t have now. Every time we did something that broke the rules or pushed boundaries we absolutely talked about it… and about how I felt.
Let me put it this way, when you first start dating someone you are excited all the time. You are crushy and gushy. You flirt with them and you are very physically affectionate. When you have been married for a few years and seen each other at your worst and argued and made up, and real love (the deep kind that doesn’t need the fuel of constant kisses and professions of love) sets in, you just don’t act the same way. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t attracted to your spouse, it just means that you are both comfortable and confident enough in your love to focus on living your lives together rather than focusing on how adorable you think the other is.
Now that I’ve said all of that, let me put it into the context of a couple dating another couple. If the chemistry is there, we get excited about the other couple, and those crushy, “yay something new” feelings happen. It’s normal that my husband would flirt more with a woman he just met than with me. I might flirt more with the guy or gal I just met. But although I know it’s normal, and I KNOW that my husband loves me and will always be with me… my feelings can still get hurt sometimes.
It’s like the story about the kid with the old ratty teddy bear who is his best friend in the whole world- until he gets a new shiny toy. The teddy bear is cast aside, that is, cast aside until kid is sick or sad he wants his old ratty teddy bear.
My husband doesn’t get jealous when I am excited about other people. He does have a strong sense of ownership when someone else makes moves to fill what he considers to be his shoes. That’s the key difference between him and me. I belong to him, and he doesn’t want someone else claiming his property. I belong to him, and I don’t necessarily want him to get new, shiny property.
The only way to deal with feelings of jealousy is to recognize and address them. If I have a stone in my stomach because my emotions are feeling all kinds of irrational jealousy, I can either give into it, or I can objectively view the situation and keep those feelings in check. The more those feelings are kept in check, the easier it is to keep them in check, and eventually those feelings just go away… dismissed as silly notions.
When a relationship with a girl or a couple, or even just a date doesn’t work out does it affect your relationship with your husband?
Absolutely. When one or both of us is suffering heartache it is very prominent in our relationship for a while. It hurts when relationships end, be it platonic or romantic, and that hurt can cause depressed feelings and even a weird sense of loneliness. I suppose it is weird to think of being lonely when you’re married to someone, but heartbreak, even when shared, is an emotion you have to work through on your own. It is nice to know that the Mister understands how I feel and I understand how he feels, and we are a great comfort to one another.
None of this is easy, but we try to focus on the good encounters and relationships we have had instead of wallowing in the mire and muck that is our collection of bad group sex and poly experiences.
Aren’t you just promiscuous? Sleeping with lots of people is kind of slutty don’t you think?
Granted, as a woman I went through a period of about a year where I was having a ton of sex with different partners. And granted, as a couple my husband and I have had many, many, many encounters with other people. I like to think of that time in our lives together as our unfettered youth. Even when we were having casual sex with people we were still looking for that special person/people with whom we could have a deeper relationship. We were still developing feelings for the people with whom we had longer romantic stretches.
It isn’t about sex. I really don’t feel like my husband completes me. And no, I don’t think that’s a wrong feeling to have. There are needs he cannot fulfill, just as there are needs in him that I cannot fulfill. Different people bring different benefits and drawbacks to each relationship. That is simply a fact of life. My husband and I recognize our capacity to love beyond each other. We also accept that as just us two, we don’t feel complete. We want a deeper connection with a third or third and fourth. We want a life partner…
It sounds greedy, I suppose. But it’s just how we’re wired.
As for thinking anything is “slutty”… I love sex. There’s nothing wrong with that or with enjoying variety. But my sexual desires aren’t the entirety of my being.
Awesome questions, everyone! Keep the questions coming!