Are you out?
We’re seeing a couple. We like them. He’s an ex-ballerina turned financier and she’s a sporty mom who is eight feet tall. They have stamina and they’re funny. As I said, we like them, and we’ve seen them multiple times over the summer.
I haven’t been well, and my mother passed away, and I’ve been the subject of what seems like constant medical experimentation over the past year. My libido is fucked if not entirely nonexistent, and I feel pretty awful about myself (and life) in general. But there is one thing that I do very consistently that seems to keep the old engine of life tooting along, and that is that I try to stay positive.
I should have, “I am a trooper,” put on a little sign to hold up whenever people worry that I am not well enough to do whatever it is they want or need me to do, sexually or otherwise. I try to be the little engine that thinks it can, even when it can’t… or even shouldn’t… no, not always…
One of my biggest flaws is that I am very passionately and seriously committed to the comfort and happiness and others. I dislike being late, although I often tend to be for six million reasons or five thousand others, and I dislike cancelling plans simply because I don’t “feel up to it.” What? I don’t feel up to being a person? To spending time with people I like and am attracted to?
The honest answer is that, no, last night I didn’t feel up to it. Yet the couple we’re seeing was understanding and gentle with me. My husband and the wife of the couple did all of the work and her husband and I had more of a laid back evening of watching and talking and touching and giggling.
I feel guilty that I wasn’t at my best, but at least I was present… and sometimes that’s more important than being fabulously awesome and sexy all the time.
People understand that other people are human and that they get sick, and they get tired, and that they have lives. If you come across people who don’t seem to be understanding when you aren’t at your best, I hope you’ll reconsider and keep looking… because they don’t deserve your time.
I’m trying to rush to finish some dental work before I possibly lose medical benefits, so I have been to my new dentist’s office twice in a row. I go back tomorrow, and then again on Tuesday. It’s nothing major, just dealing with issues caused by medication and old fillings that need to be replaced.
I sent the following text messages to Mr. Amazing after today’s appointment:
I got really turned on at the denist. I really liked warm, sterile gloved hands in my mouth… and at one point he was resting his fingers on my front teeth and it was crazy hot. I felt helpless and scared and turned on. Do I have a medical fetish? Or do I just like having my face touched?
I usually don’t like having my face touched, but it isn’t like I had a choice. And he didn’t talk, he just did stuff and said things to the assistant. At one point she left and it was just quiet and him doing things to my mouth and I had my eyes closed because of the light the whole time… and I was just stuck there getting my mouth tortured.
My dentist doesn’t block mouths to keep them open, he simply taps on my lips when he needs me to open up and I stay that way until told to do otherwise.
A rather unpleasant discussion on a Polyamory Bulletin Board about not feeling comfortable in some poly relationships triggered this post. I considered outlining the whole mess, but all you really need to know is that someone on the board held the opinion that either you are polyamorous and okay with every single thing that happens in a polyamorous relationship, or you are not polyamorous and you are being selfish by not getting the fuck out of the “lifestyle.”
Obviously that opinion holds no water with me. I’ve been in a poly relationship and there were things that were awesome and there were things that hurt my feelings and there were things that I learned and ways that I grew. One of the most important lessons I learned during that particular relationship is that, no, I don’t know how I will feel about 100% of everything. Therefore it is important to communicate communicate communicate.
The bulletin board thing happened months ago, but I recently received a message from a gal who asked if I’d be willing to talk to her because, given what she had read in the discussion thread, she thinks that she is going through something similar to what I went through.
It’s been some time since I’ve updated this blog and that’s just because we haven’t really had anything going on in the wacky sex department. However I feel it is important that everyone out there trying their hand at poly love knows this:
Human relationships aren’t perfect and that you know yourself as well as anyone else but still not know what you want. And polyamory and open relationships can work most of the time in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it works all the time. People should experiment with who they are. Sometimes you don’t know how you feel about things until you’ve been doing them for years and one day you realize you’re not happy. That’s life AND polyamory.
Life is an experiment.
Last week the Fleshlight arrived! Below is the post-sex interview I tried to conduct with Mr. Amazing while he was passing out for the night:
PolyAmazing: What did the Fleshlight feel like?
Mr. Amazing: “I don’t know. It felt good. I don’t know what it felt like. It felt like a piece of lubed up silicone around my dick.”
PA: It doesn’t feel like vagina?
MA: “Not necessarily, no.”
PA: Was it cold?
MA: “At first. But then it was not body-temperature-warm but comfortably warm.”
PA: Did you like it better when I was using it on you or you were using it on yourself?
MA: “No difference.”
Here are my thoughts on the Fleshlight experience:
I’m pleased with it. I can’t wait to combine it with porn.
Fleshlight.com is having a sale today: 15% off the entire site. I just ordered the sexy, little thing above for my husband. Our very first Fleshlight! EEEEE!
Obviously the Fleshlight is a sex toy for men, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it as well! I am so excited to use this baby on Mr. Amazing. Let’s just say that I enjoy watching dudes masturbate, especially if it involves inanimate objects. Approximately half of the porn I enjoy involves male masturbation in some form or another. Men with Fleshlights? Hot. Men who have surgically implanted their Fleshlights into stuffed unicorns? Hotter. Am I right or am I right?
Okay, so maybe the whole plushie thing isn’t your thing. I’m not into stuffed animals, I promise. I’m just into guys fucking stuff. They can fuck girls, other guys, fruit, dolls- I don’t discriminate.
But back to the Fleshlight ICE:
Again, I’m excited. Super excited.
“Consent is sexy in lots of forms. Among consenting adults, whatever goes. But it always comes back to consent. Sex positive blogs have popularized the idea of enthusiastic consent — only having sex in which both parties are enthusiastically consenting. I use this in my own relationship. If my partner senses that I am just going along with the motions, he stops. And vice versa. This means a lot more starting and stopping and a lot less sex than we used to have. But the sex we do have, we both enthusiastically want.”
via 8 Ways To Be Positive You’re Sex Positive. Check it out!
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