If you’re poly, and you’re not part your local poly community, join Fetlife! You’ll find lots of people just like you!
Here’s a link to a great explanation of what Fetlife is:
“Dont assume every problem you encounter is related to polyamory.
When youre involved in any non-traditional relationship model, it can sometimes be tempting to blame every problem you may encounter on that model. This seems particularly true in polyamory, where it might be easy and tempting to blame the polyamory for whatever trouble you may encounter–\”If we werent poly, we wouldnt have to deal with this!\”But thats not necessarily so. Even traditional, monogamous relationships face their fair share of challenges and difficulties.For example, if youre in a poly relationship and you feel that you arent getting enough of your partners attention, it might be tempting to say, \”If you werent also involved with so-and-so, I wouldnt be feeling neglected.\” But in any relationship, situations exist that may distract your lovers attention–work, family, and so on. The problem in this case isnt really polyamory–its time management.Isolating the root cause of the problem, rather than simply blaming the problem on polyamory, is an excellent way to resolve relationship difficulties.
We’re seeing a couple. We like them. He’s an ex-ballerina turned financier and she’s a sporty mom who is eight feet tall. They have stamina and they’re funny. As I said, we like them, and we’ve seen them multiple times over the summer.
I haven’t been well, and my mother passed away, and I’ve been the subject of what seems like constant medical experimentation over the past year. My libido is fucked if not entirely nonexistent, and I feel pretty awful about myself (and life) in general. But there is one thing that I do very consistently that seems to keep the old engine of life tooting along, and that is that I try to stay positive.
I should have, “I am a trooper,” put on a little sign to hold up whenever people worry that I am not well enough to do whatever it is they want or need me to do, sexually or otherwise. I try to be the little engine that thinks it can, even when it can’t… or even shouldn’t… no, not always…
One of my biggest flaws is that I am very passionately and seriously committed to the comfort and happiness and others. I dislike being late, although I often tend to be for six million reasons or five thousand others, and I dislike cancelling plans simply because I don’t “feel up to it.” What? I don’t feel up to being a person? To spending time with people I like and am attracted to?
The honest answer is that, no, last night I didn’t feel up to it. Yet the couple we’re seeing was understanding and gentle with me. My husband and the wife of the couple did all of the work and her husband and I had more of a laid back evening of watching and talking and touching and giggling.
I feel guilty that I wasn’t at my best, but at least I was present… and sometimes that’s more important than being fabulously awesome and sexy all the time.
People understand that other people are human and that they get sick, and they get tired, and that they have lives. If you come across people who don’t seem to be understanding when you aren’t at your best, I hope you’ll reconsider and keep looking… because they don’t deserve your time.
“We are committed and don’t care for too much drama.We are not super into the photo sharing thing (we think most of the photos are actually fakes copied off the internet–although we do believe your photo, so thanks for being honest); but that can come with time. We think it would be nicer to just meet folks in person and not be wondering just how photoshopped they are [or how much they thing [sic] WE are! haha]. In any case, you can’t tell chemistry from a little photo, right?”
A rather unpleasant discussion on a Polyamory Bulletin Board about not feeling comfortable in some poly relationships triggered this post. I considered outlining the whole mess, but all you really need to know is that someone on the board held the opinion that either you are polyamorous and okay with every single thing that happens in a polyamorous relationship, or you are not polyamorous and you are being selfish by not getting the fuck out of the “lifestyle.”
Obviously that opinion holds no water with me. I’ve been in a poly relationship and there were things that were awesome and there were things that hurt my feelings and there were things that I learned and ways that I grew. One of the most important lessons I learned during that particular relationship is that, no, I don’t know how I will feel about 100% of everything. Therefore it is important to communicate communicate communicate.
The bulletin board thing happened months ago, but I recently received a message from a gal who asked if I’d be willing to talk to her because, given what she had read in the discussion thread, she thinks that she is going through something similar to what I went through.
It’s been some time since I’ve updated this blog and that’s just because we haven’t really had anything going on in the wacky sex department. However I feel it is important that everyone out there trying their hand at poly love knows this:
Human relationships aren’t perfect and that you know yourself as well as anyone else but still not know what you want. And polyamory and open relationships can work most of the time in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it works all the time. People should experiment with who they are. Sometimes you don’t know how you feel about things until you’ve been doing them for years and one day you realize you’re not happy. That’s life AND polyamory.
Life is an experiment.
“For all that I like the expression New Relationship Energy (NRE) rather than using an expression that has a lot of cultural baggage like “falling in love”, some of that cultural baggage has a point. When you’re wrapped up in the ga-ga emotions of being in a new relationship, it’s distracting.”
It is axiomatic that in the world of personals ads, be they for normal one-on-one dating, wacky sexventures, or poly love, that unwanted responses will be received.
Are you looking for a single bisexual girl to fulfill your threesome fantasy? You’re going to get responses from single dudes.
Are you looking for another couple with whom you can swing or have a more serious relationship? You’re going to get responses from single dudes.
Are you looking for a young, pretty, non-op transsexual with whom to cross some personal sexual boundaries? You’re going to get responses from single dudes wearing stockings and wigs.
Sure, sure. You can put a “no single men” caveat in your ad or profile. If you’re using a personals site you can usually set your inbox preferences to reject messages from people who don’t meet your criteria. But they will find you, these single dudes, and they will not only message you, but they will include bathroom mirror pictures of their torsos, a dick pic, and a bad picture of them at a bar or a beach.
I will say now that single men are not the bane of the wacky sex world. They absolutely have a valid place in the poly mindset. We were all single once, right? That was how we met someone, right? But that’s not really the point of this ramble. I am simply using them as an example of the many kinds of unwanted responses people receive when they place ads… for anything.
So what do you do when you receive responses from someone to whom you are not attracted, be they male, female, or somewhere in between? Do send a polite form letter thanking them for their response which lets them down gently? Do send a snarky reply, alerting them to the amount of their time an yours that could have been spent otherwise? Or do you simply… say nothing?
Here are some ways to properly handle a variety of inbox undesirables without being an utter asshole:
Menagerie of Objectionable Persons
Over the years we’ve encountered a few archetypes of people who respond to our ads who really shouldn’t respond to our ads, or whom we wish hadn’t responded to our ads. Here they are, in all of their non-glory:
How to spot them: Long, drawn out, back-and-forth e-mails with no meeting. These people might seem great in the first few e-mails, but once you start suggesting a meeting they become flighty. You’ll never pin them down for a date, but they will just keep demanding more and more photos of you. They will even ask you to describe your experiences in graphic detail. While typically not malicious, picture and story collectors will waste your time and cause a ton of frustration.
Their motive: They just want to get off to some dirty amateur pictures and nasty stories.
How to get rid of them: Collectors are sneaky, so you might be deep into the interaction by the time your warning bells go off. The easiest way to get rid of them is to state a date, time, and place you’d like to meet and wait for them to respond. When they waffle, you tell them you’re looking for people who are serious about meeting.
Men Pretending To Be Women
How to spot them: That slutty bisexual model who is stripping her way through college just sounds too good to be true. That’s because she is. The great thing about men who pose as women is that they are typically bad at it. They write with too many exclamation points and smileys and are far too enthusiastic and confident about everything. Real women tend to use more adjectives in their writing, and show vulnerability or insecurity soon in the interaction. It is more difficult to detect men who are posing as their wives, for obvious reasons. See the “Married Men Who Think They Can Talk Their Wives Into It” section for more on men and their wives.
Their motive: They just want to feel pretty, and are probably picture or story collectors in disguise.
How to get rid of them: Like collectors, these guys are tricky, and have probably reeled you in with their web of lies. Hell, they could have fake Facebook pages for their slutty bisexual model. Also like collectors, the quickest way to end the interaction is to try to pressure them to meet.
Married Men Who Think They Can Talk Their Wives Into It
How to spot them: This is my favourite category of objectionable persons because they will blatantly tell you that they are married men trying to talk their wives into a threesome or foursome. The most common scenario they present is for you to meet the couple in a bar and pretend it is the first meeting ever. The husband says he will get his wife drunk, and then she will turn into the sex slave of his dreams and everyone will ravish her.
Some of these men have a devious side, however, and instead of telling you their plans they will pretend to be their wives. Husbands and wives are excellent at impersonating one another in writing. It might be several messages before you discover what is going on.
Their motive: They want to have wacky, multi-partner sex but their wives aren’t really ready or interested in it. They truly believe they can “talk” them into it. OR they want to fuck other people outside the marriage, but want their wives to condone it.
How to get rid of them: You have a few options with these guys. You can choose not to respond. You can send a polite e-mail that gently exposes the error in their thought process and suggests ways to have a healthy conversation about sex with their wife. Or you can ask to have a phone conversation with the husband and wife. We have had a few interesting conversations about our sex life with couples who are new to wacky sex after sending polite and educational e-mails to husbands. Sometimes they really don’t know any better.
How to spot them: They send pictures and are very up front about their whole deal.
Their motive: They want to be pretty girls. Oh how they want to be pretty girls… but not really. And they want to have sex with you. All in all they’re a perfectly nice lot, but we aren’t particularly interested in them.
How to get rid of them: This one is up to you. These are just normal people who like to wear clothing of the opposite sex. You might not want to get rid of them.
How to spot them: They say, “I know you’re not looking for a single man, but here’s why you should keep reading…”
Their motive: They want to make sweet, tender love to anyone that will let them.
How to get rid of them: We usually don’t respond unless the fellow seems super duper nice and desperate, in which case we’ll offer some suggestions for how he can find people to pick up what he is putting down. We’re always up for friendly conversation.
How to spot them: Sometimes it’s in the user name, sometimes it’s the way they casually slip their collection of knives into the exchange… and sometimes it’s the serial-killeresque gleam in their creepy-ass eyes. Creepers make your skin crawl, and not in a good way. Yes, that implies that there is a good way in which one’s skin should crawl. Don’t judge me.
Their motive: They want to make sweet, tender love to anything that will let them.
How to get rid of them: DO NOT ENGAGE! DO NOT ENGAGE!
How to spot them: Wuld u lik me 2 elabrate?
Their motive: Honestly, they just want to get laid like the rest of us. It’s not their fault their stupid.
How to get rid of them: Throw something shiny in the other direction to distract them, or just don’t respond to poorly written e-mails.
How to spot them: Any e-mail that contains abusive language and judgmental statements or makes you feel bad about yourself was composed by a mean person.
Their motive: These people want to crap on your parade.
How to get rid of them: I wholeheartedly believe that saying nothing is the most powerful reply.
The Over-Zealous Responders
How to spot them: You receive a response. Forty-five minutes later you receive another response from the same person asking if you got their first message. Six hours later you find you have seven more messages from the same person. Each message is more impatient, or urgent, or desperate than the last. They can even turn nasty. Don’t these people have jobs and lives?
Their motive: Most of the time they don’t realize how pushy they are. They have smart phones and they will use them… constantly.
How to get rid of them: If these seem like people you’re interested in, you can reply to one of their messages. Gently tell them you appreciate how excited they are, and that you don’t check your inbox every thirty seconds. However, if you’re like me and incredibly turned off by this behavior, you should thank them for their enthusiasm but frankly state that you’re not interested. If you don’t respond, you will continue to get messages from the Over-Zealous Responders. Mark them as SPAM if you like, but they will never stop.
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