Sex Philosophy, E-mail Lies, and Soul Rape

Sooooooooooooooo… how are you?

Yeah, yeah… I know… you want to know how our date went.

Damn it.

This blog is presented by bullet points, the number 4, and Adult Contemporary Music.

To preface:

  • This couple replied to a Craigslist ad in which we outlined specifically what we were seeking, and the couple presented themselves as meeting our criteria during our e-mail interaction. They also responded as if both of them were involved in the e-mail dialogue
  • We had discussed meeting this same couple over a year ago, and the circumstances of that meeting got really weird.  We were supposed to meet them as a normal couple-date, but then they told us that another couple they were already dating was going to be there. Then they said that just the guy was going to be there
  • The couple would not get a babysitter, so we had to go to their house after their kids went to bed… which I wasn’t thrilled about, especially since our ad had stated we were looking for people who could handle their childcare situations appropriately

 

It was a dark, foggy night. I know that all nights are dark, but the fog isn’t typical, so fuck you for judging my storytelling style. Dressed to impress, but casually enough to not seem out of place in someone’s home, we ventured far far away armed with a bottle of the only wine I can drink and a six pack of ridiculously named beer. I was in charge of music for the drive, so I chose bawdy French folk songs translated into English and sang along loudly to steady my nerves.

Meeting new people is always stressful. My self-esteem takes a huge dip about forty-five minutes prior to the actual meeting and I start to get really nervous.

The couple had asked us to text them when we arrived at their home so they could open the front door. Apparently we were to sneak in quietly so as not to disturb their sleeping children. We did so and were greeted awkwardly with uncomfortable stranger-hugs. Now, I’m not opposed to hugging. I enjoy physical affection. But when they hugged us I knew immediately that these people were text-book swingers and really had no intention of treating our date like a real date. Stranger hugs kind of ick me out.

So there I was, icked out, with my husband, in a kitchen that belonged to strangers who didn’t even have real kitchen chairs (they were folding chairs… what?) listening to a story about their second pregnancy and how the guy had used said pregnancy as an excuse to get out of work. This was before we even knew what he did for a living.

Things improved slightly when we all sat down in their living room, but not by much. This is where I switch back to bullet points because their starkness makes it easier to stomach:

  • Their television was set to an Adult Contemporary music channel
  • The wife didn’t say much
  • The husband talked too much, interrupted, and ignored any commentary anyone else made on his stories. He was also a chronic name-dropper and had whatever syndrome it is that makes IT people both overly cocky and yet severely defensive at the same time
  • He admitted that he had been the one e-mailing us the entire time
  • She said she knew nothing about us except what she was learning as we talked (when her husband permitted others to speak)
  • Finally the topic of polyamory and swinging and wacky sex came up and we were invited to participate in conversation a bit more. We all discussed the different terms that people assign to group sex and what those terms meant to us. The Mister and I get really excited about discussing this aspect of our life with people that also have experience. We find the psychology behind our sexuality interesting and enjoy mulling over the general societal attitudes about different sexual lifestyles
  • The couple talked at length about their other conquests (something that we do not do. We will discuss responses to ads and tell stories about past encounters but we do not engage in conversation about current pursuits unless specifically asked. You wouldn’t tell a girl you were on a date with about the three other girls you’re also fucking, would you?)

And then things became utterly bizarre. Suddenly, the wife stood up and said that it was eleven and she had to work at nine in the morning, and that she didn’t mean to be rude. She didn’t say anything about us having to leave right that moment, and the Mister made a joke and said that maybe she did mean to be rude. She then stormed over to their front door, unlocked it, and words started coming out of her mouth. She said something about my husband being a dickhead, and that I was awesome, but that we needed to go immediately.

We were confused. I thought that she was kidding until the husband said, “Well, it’s time to call it a night.”

The Mister and I looked at one another in shock, then gathered his coat and my purse from the other room, and tried to ask the husband what we had done to cause such an outburst. The husband told us his wife was pissed and had had enough. Enough of what? We didn’t know.

We left their house, and as we were getting into the car the husband came outside to ask us if we had picked up his wife’s cell phone. Why would we touch someone else’s cell phone? Was he accusing us of stealing? The Mister told him we had not, and tried again to find out what offense we had caused. The guy just said, “She’s done,” and went back into his house.

To summarize:

  • We went on a date with a couple we were wary of and that I wasn’t very excited about in the first place
  • They threw us out of their house with no explanation
  • And they accused us of stealing

Needless to say, it was not a successful meeting.

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