Tag Archives: open honest conversation

The Importance of Being Earnest

We’re seeing a couple. We like them. He’s an ex-ballerina turned financier and she’s a sporty mom who is eight feet tall. They have stamina and they’re funny. As I said, we like them, and we’ve seen them multiple times over the summer.

I haven’t been well, and my mother passed away, and I’ve been the subject of what seems like constant medical experimentation over the past year. My libido is fucked if not entirely nonexistent, and I feel pretty awful about myself (and life) in general. But there is one thing that I do very consistently that seems to keep the old engine of life tooting along, and that is that I try to stay positive.

I should have, “I am a trooper,” put on a little sign to hold up whenever people worry that I am not well enough to do whatever it is they want or need me to do, sexually or otherwise. I try to be the little engine that thinks it can, even when it can’t… or even shouldn’t… no, not always…

One of my biggest flaws is that I am very passionately and seriously committed to the comfort and happiness and others. I dislike being late, although I often tend to be for six million reasons or five thousand others, and I dislike cancelling plans simply because I don’t “feel up to it.” What? I don’t feel up to being a person? To spending time with people I like and am attracted to?

The honest answer is that, no, last night I didn’t feel up to it. Yet the couple we’re seeing was understanding and gentle with me. My husband and the wife of the couple did all of the work and her husband and I had more of a laid back evening of watching and talking and touching and giggling.

I feel guilty that I wasn’t at my best, but at least I was present… and sometimes that’s more important than being fabulously awesome and sexy all the time.

People understand that other people are human and that they get sick, and they get tired, and that they have lives. If you come across people who don’t seem to be understanding when you aren’t at your best, I hope you’ll reconsider and keep looking… because they don’t deserve your time.

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Not Super Into the Photo Sharing Thing

“We are committed and don’t care for too much drama.

We are not super into the photo sharing thing (we think most of the photos are actually fakes copied off the internet–although we do believe your photo, so thanks for being honest); but that can come with time.  We think it would be nicer to just meet folks in person and not be wondering just how photoshopped they are [or how much they thing [sic]  WE are! haha].  In any case, you can’t tell chemistry from a little photo, right?”
The above is a partial e-mail we received after we responded to an ad. We, of course, sent a clothed photo of ourselves that included our faces. We send pictures of ourselves to show that we aren’t serial killers and that we are, in fact, real people.
What I’d like to know, in this age of camera phones and Facebook, is who the fuck takes time to Photoshop themselves anymore? Sure, I took time to fix blemishes and make my hair colour stand out in the early 00s. Didn’t everyone? But the pictures people take these days are taken with little thought, then posted to the internet with even less thought.
People send us horrible pictures of themselves… this week alone we’ve gotten pictures of people in Affliction tees and polarized wrap-around sunglasses making duck-faces.
I’m pretty certain that those douches didn’t scour the internet to find the perfect douchey picture to represent themselves.
So, as for the people that sent us the e-mail… we didn’t respond. If they won’t send us pictures we won’t waste our time. We don’t meet people blind. Period. You can tell if there is any level of attraction from a photo. Sheesh.
What if they’re serial killers?!
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a^2 + b^2 = c^2

Why yes, that is the Pythagorean equation!

Recently I posted this ad: 

Go On An Exciting Date With a Couple This Weekend!

Are you a pretty lady who would like to have a nice dinner with a couple with whom you might just later make out? Are you an m/f couple looking to spice up your marriage with a little swingy fun? Do you just like meeting weird, quirky people and eating food with them? Is a subtle lack of eye contact “not that big a deal?”

Get in touch with us! We’re an easy-going couple… not so bad on the eyes… who enjoy good food, and meeting good people, and if chemistry is present with said good people… maybe wacky sexventures could happen. Who knows?! He’s medium build, she’s plus-size. We’re looking for something this weekend. Prove you have a pulse by putting the Pythagorean equation in the subject line. 

Single dudes, your efforts are appreciated but, damn… can’t you read?

And we actually got a response! My logic for including an atypical “subject line” request was that people who know the equation off hand are useful, productive individuals… and people who don’t know the equation can fake it with the power of Google proving how industrious they are.
Last night we had a fun date with the couple who responded. No action occurred, but we have a bunch of interesting nerdy stuff in common. We’ll see how it goes. 
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The Couple that Plays Together…

Did your brain finish the thought in my title?

Mr. Amazing and I don’t play separately from one another because we enjoy seeing one another feel good. We love each other and dig on each other sexually.

But that’s not the entire reason we play together. We do it because we rarely meet people with whom we have connection enough to venture into that “next step” area of separate play and interaction. When we first meet a girl or a couple we’re a unit. We are individuals within that unit, but we’re a package deal. Like one? You have to take the other… and so forth. But when relationships develop and grow past the initial getting to know you phase of love/sex… we are separate in our affections for the other people and we each have different self-sustaining friendships with those people. 

G. is a long-time friend of mine. She’s someone whom I love and desire and such. A few years ago the Amazing family took a trip and she was gracious enough to provide us shelter for the night. Months later she came to visit us and we had a really sexy, affectionate weekend… G. and Mr. Amazing and I. 

This coming weekend Mr. Amazing is taking a trip to see a baseball team he likes and he’s going to stay at G.’s place. I’m hoping they’ll both have a fun, dirty time together.

Wait, but isn’t that separate play?

Yes, but it’s with someone I trust and he trusts. Mr. Amazing and G. have a friendship and talk regularly, more so than she and I speak. I’m horrible at friendship maintenance, but she knows I love her and desire her. I don’t feel like I have to constantly say, “G., I love you,” for her to know that. 

Therefore I feel completely comfortable saying, “G., take my husband… Please!”

But I have demanded dirty pictures. 

MUAH HA HA HA!

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The Cancellation Spiral

After a rather successful first encounter, and I say successful because the chemistry was right between all parties and not because there was some sexy-time, we’ve been eager to see our new couple again. Because of their childcare situation, we had a plan in place to hang out last Friday that was formed weeks ago. On the eve of our date, last Thursday that is, Mr. Amazing received a text from the wife informing us that they had been dealing with a broken-down vehicle. She also mentioned that her time of the month had come early. Therefore, they cancelled our date for last Friday night.

We get it. Stuff happens. Things come up and plans have to change. Well, Mr. Amazing gets it. I don’t get it as much. In fact I have been in a rather awful mood about the entire thing since last Thursday. It took me a few days, but I finally figured out why I have been in an awful mood. My feelings are hurt because I think the real reason they cancelled was because certain sexual things were no longer on the table.

When I voiced those hurt feelings to my husband, he reminded me that we have never had to worry about childcare and that the couple seemed to have limited chances to get away. The couple uses family to care for their small child and doesn’t want to use up that resource. So it was less about not being able to have sex and more about trying to make the most of the times they are able to spend time with us.

And Mr. Amazing is absolutely right and being entirely healthy about the cancellation, even after putting up with my grumpy ass all weekend.

During all of my grumpiness, the couple told us they had rescheduled some things on their end and could drive down this coming Friday. We played hard to get and waited for twenty-four hours before we committed to a new date for our… date. I then confirmed that we were able to move things around on our calendar to make Friday night work for us. I wasn’t as  grumpy after that.

As my husband was getting ready for work this morning he asked if I received “the text message” from the wife. I had not. He then told me that the couple had cancelled yet again. Apparently the wife’s friend “freaked out” about the change in the wife’s travel plans.

Do I have to be reasonable about the most recent cancellation? Am I the only one who thinks that it is impolite to make plans with someone when you have not yet fully cleared out prior plans with other people? Am I supposed to care that the wife’s friend freaked out? But, again, the excuse for their cancellation is valid. The wife did have plans to go out of town originally instead of seeing us, and it is altogether possible that she told her friend about the cancellation and the friend waited to freak out until after the couple had already made new plans with us. If we are going about dating these people properly, shouldn’t the friendships that are important to them be important to us as well?

Welcome to PolyAmazing’s Cancellation Spiral. It has been our experience that once someone we like starts cancelling plans they will continue to cancel plans until we give up on them entirely. Granted, it can take a while for us to give up on people. But once the flaking happens, it doesn’t stop. That means that either my husband or myself, and sometimes both of us, start to feel negatively about the other party. Remember that this is just like dating for us. We genuinely like these people and we get excited about them in a romantic context. We aren’t just meeting people for sex, we aren’t swinging, we’re just looking for the right person or people to have in our lives.

We are both guilty of getting attached to people too quickly. Given the amount of rejection we have faced in our polyamorous journey, we could be far more jaded than we are. I see our ability to open our hearts to new people as a positive trait. Unfortunately that trait also makes it easy for our emotions to quickly sour.

We are really hard on ourselves when things don’t go well with a date, a new friendship, or a relationship. We constantly wonder about the what-if and if-only.

The trick to avoiding the Cancellation Spiral is to take things at face value. We have to believe that this new couple is both interested in us and disappointed that they have had to cancel plans twice. We also have to believe that they are cancelling plans due to external factors and not because they are having second thoughts about seeing us. Lastly, we have to keep our feelings in check.

Easier said…

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NRE for Everyone! | The Polyamorous Misanthrope

“For all that I like the expression New Relationship Energy (NRE) rather than using an expression that has a lot of cultural baggage like “falling in love”, some of that cultural baggage has a point. When you’re wrapped up in the ga-ga emotions of being in a new relationship, it’s distracting.”

via NRE for Everyone! | The Polyamorous Misanthrope.

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“Even though many people assume that swinging is a man’s fantasy, it’s often the women who find themselves enjoy it more, Bergstrand says. Men are more likely to feel competitive with other men, wondering if their wives preferred their swinging partners, while women tend to be supportive of each other within the swinging scene, he says.”

via Can Swingers Have a Happy Marriage? | Psychology Today.

Can Swingers Have a Happy Marriage? | Psychology Today

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All the Single Dudes Now Put Your Hands Up

Every now and again the Mister will run a very non-specific ad on Craigslist that outlines our make-the-world-a-better-place-through-good-sex philosophy and our years of experience in the wacky sex realm. The intention of the ad is to “see what’s out there.” Maybe someone has a really cool fantasy that they’ve never been able to realize… we could help with that! Maybe people have questions about polyamory or multi-partner sex… we could answer those! We have some of the best conversations with people who are new to things.

He placed such an ad last week and did not add any restrictive statements such as, “no single dudes,” for we are open to talking to anyone about sex even if we aren’t interested in having sex with them. Our ads are always interesting and well-written, and we usually get bites from the kinds of people for whom the ad is intended. By “people” I totally mean “couples and hot, single bisexual chicks.” But you got that, right?

However, something went awry with last week’s ad. Perhaps we were a bit too open and non-specific…

Here’s a recap of SINGLEDUDEMAGEDDON 2013:

83% of responses were from single dudes

16% of responses were from married dudes who did not plan to tell their wives they wanted to mess around with people from the internet

33% of responses were well-written (surprisingly)

50% of responses included pictures

60% of the pictures we received were of penises

0% of the pictures we received were of a person who was looking directly at the camera and smiling

20% of the pictures we received contained dudes playing baseball (I can’t even explain this one)

Here are some of my favourite quotes:

“Well you guys just make it sound fun.”

Why, thank ya!

“I have been a pretty straight-laced guy my whole life. “

It’s only funny because. after telling us how straight-laced he is, he tells us he is lying to his wife.

“I am stationed out here as a Marine and am super horny.”

I’d like to thank this guy for serving our country while maintaining his super horniness!

I am going to respond to the well-written ads so that those men are encouraged to continue their search. We might have some interesting conversations along the way, or, perhaps, make a new friend.

Yes, we’ve done the whole MFM thing in the past, but it’s not what we’re looking for now. Sorry, single dudes (and married liars.)

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“Basically, if SexGeek was a hipster, and polyamory was a band, she’d be twirling her ridiculous handlebar mustache and rolling her eyes about how polyamory used to be cool but then it sold out.  Then she’d take a swig of her Starbucks and a drag on her cigarette.”

via Polyamory Sucks | That Thing You Like Sucks RE: “The Problem with Polynormativity.”

Polyamory Sucks | That Thing You Like Sucks

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Soft Swap Gets Harder

Since our great first date with a couple last weekend we’ve been text-messaging with said couple about our next date. If you’ll recall from “I Am the True Naughty American,” the new couple that we’re “seeing” was only interested in soft swap  for our first encounter. Now that we’ve met and fooled around they’re lifting some of their restrictions, which is both expected and very cool.

During our first date, on one of our many trips to the powder room to talk about how to get the action started, the wife confessed that they weren’t opposed swapping fully (especially with us.) The Mister and I are full swap pro’s from Dover, but that wasn’t always the case. We took our time. It is perfectly acceptable for a couple to work their way up to actual intercourse in group sex scenarios. I tend to be extremely nurturing with couples who are new to multi-partner sex. Actually, I prefer couples who have limited experience. It is so easy to become jaded and cheesy about wacky sex. Green couples = less sexventure baggage  = less crazy-ass drama and more time for scooty!

I sound like a total frat boy.

Moving on. In a conversation with the husband of the couple last night, I learned that while he is entirely comfortable with my Mister penetrating his wife, the wife isn’t quite ready to see her husband fuck another woman. What is good for the goose, isn’t good for the gander… yet.

Okay, well, um… that’s just fine. One of the things that I really love about our wacky, multi-partner sexventures is seeing my Mister enjoy himself with another woman. My husband and I have excellent sex, so I know just how good he can make another woman feel. I also have a voyeuristic streak, and I will never pass up an opportunity to see sexy people doing it.

We genuinely like these people as people, and it is rare that four separate personalities click with true chemistry. At times either the Mister or I have ended up taking one for the team for the sake of the group sexual experience and had sex with someone who is nice enough, but to whom we weren’t very sexually attracted. It isn’t an ideal situation, but it happens. We don’t always feel fantastic afterwards- that also happens. Yet, because we like both the husband and the wife, it is so much easier for me to wait to have sex with this guy. Usually I’m more attracted to the female of the couple. I try to get men off sooner rather than later so that I may return to pleasuring their ladies. With this new couple, however, I am very attracted to both the husband and the wife… so I’m cool with hanging out on the sidelines for a little while.

I won’t be alone on the sidelines. I’ll have a fun sideline-buddy who seems to be very keen to get head while he watches his wife get nailed by my husband.

I’m into that.

 

 

 

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