Last week the Fleshlight arrived! Below is the post-sex interview I tried to conduct with Mr. Amazing while he was passing out for the night:
PolyAmazing: What did the Fleshlight feel like?
Mr. Amazing: “I don’t know. It felt good. I don’t know what it felt like. It felt like a piece of lubed up silicone around my dick.”
PA: It doesn’t feel like vagina?
MA: “Not necessarily, no.”
PA: Was it cold?
MA: “At first. But then it was not body-temperature-warm but comfortably warm.”
PA: Did you like it better when I was using it on you or you were using it on yourself?
MA: “No difference.”
Here are my thoughts on the Fleshlight experience:
I’m pleased with it. I can’t wait to combine it with porn.
Fleshlight.com is having a sale today: 15% off the entire site. I just ordered the sexy, little thing above for my husband. Our very first Fleshlight! EEEEE!
Obviously the Fleshlight is a sex toy for men, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it as well! I am so excited to use this baby on Mr. Amazing. Let’s just say that I enjoy watching dudes masturbate, especially if it involves inanimate objects. Approximately half of the porn I enjoy involves male masturbation in some form or another. Men with Fleshlights? Hot. Men who have surgically implanted their Fleshlights into stuffed unicorns? Hotter. Am I right or am I right?
Okay, so maybe the whole plushie thing isn’t your thing. I’m not into stuffed animals, I promise. I’m just into guys fucking stuff. They can fuck girls, other guys, fruit, dolls- I don’t discriminate.
But back to the Fleshlight ICE:
Again, I’m excited. Super excited.
Every now and again the Mister will run a very non-specific ad on Craigslist that outlines our make-the-world-a-better-place-through-good-sex philosophy and our years of experience in the wacky sex realm. The intention of the ad is to “see what’s out there.” Maybe someone has a really cool fantasy that they’ve never been able to realize… we could help with that! Maybe people have questions about polyamory or multi-partner sex… we could answer those! We have some of the best conversations with people who are new to things.
He placed such an ad last week and did not add any restrictive statements such as, “no single dudes,” for we are open to talking to anyone about sex even if we aren’t interested in having sex with them. Our ads are always interesting and well-written, and we usually get bites from the kinds of people for whom the ad is intended. By “people” I totally mean “couples and hot, single bisexual chicks.” But you got that, right?
However, something went awry with last week’s ad. Perhaps we were a bit too open and non-specific…
Here’s a recap of SINGLEDUDEMAGEDDON 2013:
83% of responses were from single dudes
16% of responses were from married dudes who did not plan to tell their wives they wanted to mess around with people from the internet
33% of responses were well-written (surprisingly)
50% of responses included pictures
60% of the pictures we received were of penises
0% of the pictures we received were of a person who was looking directly at the camera and smiling
20% of the pictures we received contained dudes playing baseball (I can’t even explain this one)
Here are some of my favourite quotes:
“Well you guys just make it sound fun.”
Why, thank ya!
“I have been a pretty straight-laced guy my whole life. “
It’s only funny because. after telling us how straight-laced he is, he tells us he is lying to his wife.
“I am stationed out here as a Marine and am super horny.”
I’d like to thank this guy for serving our country while maintaining his super horniness!
I am going to respond to the well-written ads so that those men are encouraged to continue their search. We might have some interesting conversations along the way, or, perhaps, make a new friend.
Yes, we’ve done the whole MFM thing in the past, but it’s not what we’re looking for now. Sorry, single dudes (and married liars.)
Since our great first date with a couple last weekend we’ve been text-messaging with said couple about our next date. If you’ll recall from “I Am the True Naughty American,” the new couple that we’re “seeing” was only interested in soft swap for our first encounter. Now that we’ve met and fooled around they’re lifting some of their restrictions, which is both expected and very cool.
During our first date, on one of our many trips to the powder room to talk about how to get the action started, the wife confessed that they weren’t opposed swapping fully (especially with us.) The Mister and I are full swap pro’s from Dover, but that wasn’t always the case. We took our time. It is perfectly acceptable for a couple to work their way up to actual intercourse in group sex scenarios. I tend to be extremely nurturing with couples who are new to multi-partner sex. Actually, I prefer couples who have limited experience. It is so easy to become jaded and cheesy about wacky sex. Green couples = less sexventure baggage = less crazy-ass drama and more time for scooty!
I sound like a total frat boy.
Moving on. In a conversation with the husband of the couple last night, I learned that while he is entirely comfortable with my Mister penetrating his wife, the wife isn’t quite ready to see her husband fuck another woman. What is good for the goose, isn’t good for the gander… yet.
Okay, well, um… that’s just fine. One of the things that I really love about our wacky, multi-partner sexventures is seeing my Mister enjoy himself with another woman. My husband and I have excellent sex, so I know just how good he can make another woman feel. I also have a voyeuristic streak, and I will never pass up an opportunity to see sexy people doing it.
We genuinely like these people as people, and it is rare that four separate personalities click with true chemistry. At times either the Mister or I have ended up taking one for the team for the sake of the group sexual experience and had sex with someone who is nice enough, but to whom we weren’t very sexually attracted. It isn’t an ideal situation, but it happens. We don’t always feel fantastic afterwards- that also happens. Yet, because we like both the husband and the wife, it is so much easier for me to wait to have sex with this guy. Usually I’m more attracted to the female of the couple. I try to get men off sooner rather than later so that I may return to pleasuring their ladies. With this new couple, however, I am very attracted to both the husband and the wife… so I’m cool with hanging out on the sidelines for a little while.
I won’t be alone on the sidelines. I’ll have a fun sideline-buddy who seems to be very keen to get head while he watches his wife get nailed by my husband.
I’m into that.
“‘Online dating’s become a little too milquetoast,’says Thrillist cofounder Adam Rich. ‘Spending hours browsing profiles for a nice girl to grab coffee with — where’s the fun in that? But if you’re willing to strike up a relationship with a convict, then you’ve really got something.’
To that end, Thrillist has assembled the internet’s boldest matchmakers, the wildest online dating sites that define courage as a willingness to meet new people — even if they might hurt you.”
This morning the Mister was doing the digital check for potential wacky sex, which means he was logged into our anonymous Yahoo! e-mail account, AFF, and OKCupid. We have not really checked our Plenty of Fish account in a while. *makes a note to do that*
…and we’re back!
OKCupid sends “Quiver Matches” to our e-mail every few days. These are basically brief summaries of profiles that match our own profile settings on the site. The e-mail comes complete with pictures and blurbs about potential mates.
That’s really how it all started this morning. There we were, looking at our “Quiver Matches”, and there she was… the weird looking gal (? still debatable) in a goofy hat and a scarf. Oh the judgement, how it flowed.
What if we were just honest?
What if we sent messages to these people comprised of nothing but the comments we make when we see their pictures?
It would look a little bit like this:
She’s cute. Fucked up nose though. I like her bangs. Oh, she’s a big girl! She’s cuter in that last picture.
Or like this:
I bookmarked this profile for you because she looks kind of like Hannah Harto.
It’s Hanna Hart. She’s like a more butch Hanna Hart. Less pretty.
She’s got trashy eyebrows. She’s cute though. Yes, but her eyebrows and selection of top say, “I’m trashy.”
I Googled her. Here’s her Facebook. Oh, that’s the same picture. How many kids do they have?
I don’t know, but I found her on this Anita Blake message board too. Ohhh. Trashy supernatural smut! I’ve read some of the Anita Blake books. Anita Blake is, like, a detective or something and every other page she’s having a twelve-way with some werewolves and changelings.
That girl has to stop over-plucking her eyebrows.
I recently watched Laci Green’s “5 Tips for Self Esteem” in which she very lovingly advises humanity to stop judging people, because once you stop judging others… you stop judging yourself. Laci Green is a smart cookie, but there’s just one problem- judging people is entertaining!
Judging people is especially entertaining when you don’t know them, will never speak to them, and they will never know they’ve been judged.
I see Laci’s point. I absolutely know that if I stopped looking at people and summarizing them in my head based solely on appearance I would feel better about my own appearance.
But where is the fun in that?
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