Category Archives: Rules of Engagement

Oh Joy Sex Toy’s Excellent Fetlife Infographic!

If you’re poly, and you’re not part your local poly community, join Fetlife! You’ll find lots of people just like you!

Here’s a link to a great explanation of what Fetlife is:

Oh Joy Sex Toy’s Excellent Fetlife Infographic!!!!

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More Than Two | Polyamory: Common Mistakes

Dont assume every problem you encounter is related to polyamory.

When youre involved in any non-traditional relationship model, it can sometimes be tempting to blame every problem you may encounter on that model. This seems particularly true in polyamory, where it might be easy and tempting to blame the polyamory for whatever trouble you may encounter–\”If we werent poly, we wouldnt have to deal with this!\”But thats not necessarily so. Even traditional, monogamous relationships face their fair share of challenges and difficulties.For example, if youre in a poly relationship and you feel that you arent getting enough of your partners attention, it might be tempting to say, \”If you werent also involved with so-and-so, I wouldnt be feeling neglected.\” But in any relationship, situations exist that may distract your lovers attention–work, family, and so on. The problem in this case isnt really polyamory–its time management.Isolating the root cause of the problem, rather than simply blaming the problem on polyamory, is an excellent way to resolve relationship difficulties.

via More Than Two | Polyamory: Common Mistakes.

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Wait, You Mean We Aren’t Going to Have Sex Now?

For some reason, men think that if I go on a date with them and find them attractive it means that I want to have sex with them on the next date. Is it because I’m already married? Is it because I openly talk about sex? Or is it because the art of wooing a woman is dying?

Granted, when a man doesn’t immediately try to get into my pants in some fashion I think something is wrong with him… or worse yet… with me. So I’m probably not helping the male population with their behavioural issues. It’s like this. I’m of an age where I want to feel like things are special. I want to have strong feelings of attraction, not just find someone aesthetically pleasing to look at.

A “gentlemanly” fellow has asked me to the movies. I have begun the process of cancelling my date with him for the following reasons:

  • He mentioned signing up for Zumba classes after the new year began
  • His Facebook posts are insufferable
  • He used “to” instead of “too” today
  • He called me “cutie”

I was almost looking forward to my nerdy date to see the new Hobbit flick up until the whole Zumba thing happened and then I immediately wrote him off as someone with whom I cannot ever have sex. Now I am in the process of not responding to text messages as frequently. It’s no real loss. It’s not as if his gentlemanly behaviour was truly sincere. His attempts at being flirtatious came off more like creepy uncle patter than as sexy date chatter.

But I digress.

No, just because I’m married it doesn’t mean I’m looking to get laid. And no, just because I let you kiss me it doesn’t mean I’m ready to fuck you. And…. no… we aren’t going to have sex on the first date or second date. This isn’t a difficult concept to grasp.

 

 

 

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Why Women Flake And How To Stop It | Paging Dr. NerdLove

As I mentioned in my last post, my we’ve been playing with the dating app, Tinder, for the past month. I ended up installing it again simply because I enjoy playing the “hot or not” game with the chance that a decent conversation might occur.

Last night my husband was supposed to have drinks with a gal he met on Tinder… and last night this girl flaked. He saw it coming… she was less responsive to texts in the days leading up to the planned meeting. She had originally said, “no,” in fact. When he sent his last ditch text saying that he’d be at such and such bar at such and such time and asking if she’d be there, she simply responded:

“I don’t think so.”

I’ve been thinking about flaking over the past few days, why we (women) do it and how it can be avoided. I considered writing a post about it, but why recreate the wheel? The following is a snippet from an article at DoctorNerdLove.com. Dr Nerdlove really nails down the in and outs of last minute cancellations.

 

“Sudden radio silence – watching a flirtation over OKCupid cut off without warning, or a string of unanswered calls or texts without even the promise of a date in the first place – are not flaking. These are signs that, for whatever reason, the person you were talking to just decided that they were no longer interested. Maybe you screwed up. Maybe they just weren’t feeling the chemistry. Maybe they have an irrational hatred of the way you use the oxford comma, who knows?Flaking, on the other hand, is a last minute-cancellation of tentative plans; you’re all spruced up, so caught up with excitement for your date with that cute woman you met at the bar last Monday that you’ve shown up twenty minutes early. You’re half-caught up in imagining the sloppy make-outs that are in store for you later that night when you get the dreaded text: “Hey, turns out I can’t make it today. Maybe some other time.” Suddenly, you’re left all dressed up with nowhere to go, feeling your ego and your half-chub deflating like a leaky pool-toy. Any subsequent texts get non-commital answers and your voice mails aren’t being returned in the first place. Why Women FlakeFlaking usually comes down to one of two issues. The first is very simple: she’s not that into you. She may have been having a good time with you in the moment – after all, everybody appreciates talking with someone who’s funny and interesting, especially if they’re good looking – but ultimately, she’s just not feeling that spark she needs that pushes her from “Well that was fun,” to “That was fun and I want to see this guy again!”. Other women will simply play along for a while… maybe out of boredom, maybe just because they’re going along to get along and just waiting for a socially acceptable excuse to send you packing. This, incidentally, is one of the reasons why women will just hand out their number so easily to people they don’t give a damn about; it presents a natural break in the interaction and most guys will take it and go away. In an age of omnipresent cellphones, caller ID and voice mail, giving out a phone number is low-risk, low-investment. A woman can tell at a glance that someone she doesn’t care about and let it go straight to voice mail – and then from there to the digital garbage bin.”

via Why Women Flake And How To Stop It | Paging Dr. NerdLove.

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Tinder App – Swinger Friendly?

Mr. Amazing and I aren’t the most outgoing people so the idea of an application that exposes us to available people in our area is appealing. We both downloaded the Tinder app for Droid in the past few weeks and have been playing with it. So far I’ve had one interaction with a girl that was more than just a greeting, and my husband has interacted with two girls with whom he’s been able to converse.

Tinder uses your Facebook data and location to show you pictures of other Tinder users. The app allows you to set minimum and maximum age requirements and lets you select one or both genders as well as allowing you to increase or decrease the search radius. You have the ability to choose which photos of yourself are displayed, and you can write a little blurb about yourself. If you don’t do anything with the settings at all Tinder will display your Facebook profile picture and use text from your Facebook profile.

The app takes a few seconds to load when you first log in, stating that it’s searching for users in your area. Once it loads, you are presented with a picture of a user, their age, whether or not you have any friends in common on Facebook, an an option to view more of their pictures. If you like what you see you simply press the green check mark at the bottom of the screen, or you can just swipe to the right. If you’re not interested in person displayed, you select the red x or swipe left.

If someone whom you “liked” likes you back, Tinder tells you you’re a match and allows you to open a chat dialogue with the user. It’s essentially a “straight” version of Grindr with less emphasis on getting laid immediately.

I like Tinder’s user interface, but not the users themselves. The average user is around 23 and lacks the ability to exchange more than five messages. Because Mr. Amazing and I are married, we stated that fact specifically in our profiles, but Tinder doesn’t display your profile unless someone intentionally goes searching for it… leading to more awkward interactions and explanations. Another drawback is that the majority of users are male, so my husband frequently only has 10-20 pictures to rate in a given area before he hits the end of the list.

Tinder works well for a specific bar-crawling, wedding-party-participant crowd of singles, but is not so useful for people trying to hook up for multi-partner sex or even poly dating.  It’s fun to play with in a “hot or not” way, but I ended up uninstalling it about a week after I downloaded it.

If you’re single and under 25 I recommend it, but please say “no” to the backwards ball cap wearing frat boys. We don’t want to encourage that type of behaviour.

 

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Not Super Into the Photo Sharing Thing

“We are committed and don’t care for too much drama.

We are not super into the photo sharing thing (we think most of the photos are actually fakes copied off the internet–although we do believe your photo, so thanks for being honest); but that can come with time.  We think it would be nicer to just meet folks in person and not be wondering just how photoshopped they are [or how much they thing [sic]  WE are! haha].  In any case, you can’t tell chemistry from a little photo, right?”
The above is a partial e-mail we received after we responded to an ad. We, of course, sent a clothed photo of ourselves that included our faces. We send pictures of ourselves to show that we aren’t serial killers and that we are, in fact, real people.
What I’d like to know, in this age of camera phones and Facebook, is who the fuck takes time to Photoshop themselves anymore? Sure, I took time to fix blemishes and make my hair colour stand out in the early 00s. Didn’t everyone? But the pictures people take these days are taken with little thought, then posted to the internet with even less thought.
People send us horrible pictures of themselves… this week alone we’ve gotten pictures of people in Affliction tees and polarized wrap-around sunglasses making duck-faces.
I’m pretty certain that those douches didn’t scour the internet to find the perfect douchey picture to represent themselves.
So, as for the people that sent us the e-mail… we didn’t respond. If they won’t send us pictures we won’t waste our time. We don’t meet people blind. Period. You can tell if there is any level of attraction from a photo. Sheesh.
What if they’re serial killers?!
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a^2 + b^2 = c^2

Why yes, that is the Pythagorean equation!

Recently I posted this ad: 

Go On An Exciting Date With a Couple This Weekend!

Are you a pretty lady who would like to have a nice dinner with a couple with whom you might just later make out? Are you an m/f couple looking to spice up your marriage with a little swingy fun? Do you just like meeting weird, quirky people and eating food with them? Is a subtle lack of eye contact “not that big a deal?”

Get in touch with us! We’re an easy-going couple… not so bad on the eyes… who enjoy good food, and meeting good people, and if chemistry is present with said good people… maybe wacky sexventures could happen. Who knows?! He’s medium build, she’s plus-size. We’re looking for something this weekend. Prove you have a pulse by putting the Pythagorean equation in the subject line. 

Single dudes, your efforts are appreciated but, damn… can’t you read?

And we actually got a response! My logic for including an atypical “subject line” request was that people who know the equation off hand are useful, productive individuals… and people who don’t know the equation can fake it with the power of Google proving how industrious they are.
Last night we had a fun date with the couple who responded. No action occurred, but we have a bunch of interesting nerdy stuff in common. We’ll see how it goes. 
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NRE for Everyone! | The Polyamorous Misanthrope

“For all that I like the expression New Relationship Energy (NRE) rather than using an expression that has a lot of cultural baggage like “falling in love”, some of that cultural baggage has a point. When you’re wrapped up in the ga-ga emotions of being in a new relationship, it’s distracting.”

via NRE for Everyone! | The Polyamorous Misanthrope.

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If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say…

It is axiomatic that in the world of personals ads, be they for normal one-on-one dating, wacky sexventures, or poly love, that unwanted responses will be received.

Are you looking for a single bisexual girl to fulfill your threesome fantasy? You’re going to get responses from single dudes.

Are you looking for another couple with whom you can swing or have a more serious relationship? You’re going to get responses from single dudes.

Are you looking for a young,  pretty, non-op transsexual with whom to cross some personal sexual boundaries? You’re going to get responses from single dudes wearing stockings and wigs.

Sure, sure. You can put a “no single men” caveat in your ad or profile. If you’re using a personals site you can usually set your inbox preferences to reject messages from people who don’t meet your criteria. But they will find you, these single dudes, and they will not only message you, but they will include bathroom mirror pictures of their torsos, a dick pic, and a bad picture of them at a bar or a beach.

I will say now that single men are not the bane of the wacky sex world. They absolutely have a valid place in the poly mindset. We were all single once, right? That was how we met someone, right? But that’s not really the point of this ramble. I am simply using them as an example of the many kinds of unwanted responses people receive when they place ads… for anything.

So what do you do when you receive responses from someone to whom you are not attracted, be they male, female, or somewhere in between? Do send a polite form letter thanking them for their response which lets them down gently? Do send a snarky reply, alerting them to the amount of their time an yours that could have been spent otherwise? Or do you simply… say nothing?

Here are some ways to properly handle a variety of inbox undesirables without being an utter asshole:

Basic Etiquette

  1. Never, ever, ever send a reply to someone who is rude, cruel, or filled with hate speech. Even if the person who e-mailed you said something offensive you should never respond in kind. We’re here to spread love. Remember the part about not being an asshole?
  2. If you don’t have anything nice to say, why respond at all? There is no rule that says you have to respond to every single reply you receive. Be it through e-mail or personals site, you don’t owe that person anything. Just delete their message and move on.
  3. Protect your identity. Personal ads and profiles should never reveal your real name, phone number, or address. You aren’t obligated to post pictures of your face, either. It’s easier to ignore unwanted responses and attention when you know you’re anonymous. I also recommend using an anonymous e-mail address with a user ID that is not in any way connected to you. You’d be surprised at what a little intelligent search engine snooping can turn up!
  4. If you must respond, be honest but not hurtful (refer to #1.) You might receive a well-written response from a very nice person who doesn’t float your boat. Don’t make things up and say you’ve found someone when you haven’t. It is acceptable to say there is not an attraction, but not to say, “you are not attractive.”
  5. Trust your instincts. Sometimes the wrong people come in the right packages. If something seems fishy, it probably is. There is no need to call someone out on deceptions. Just walk away.

 

 

Menagerie of Objectionable Persons

Over the years we’ve encountered a few archetypes of people who respond to our ads who really shouldn’t respond to our ads, or whom we wish hadn’t responded to our ads.   Here they are, in all of their non-glory:

Picture/Story Collectors

How to spot them: Long, drawn out, back-and-forth e-mails with no meeting. These people might seem great in the first few e-mails, but once you start suggesting a meeting they become flighty. You’ll never pin them down for a date, but they will just keep demanding more and more photos of you.  They will even ask you to describe your experiences in graphic detail. While typically not malicious, picture and story collectors will waste your time and cause a ton of frustration.

Their motive: They just want to get off to some dirty amateur pictures and nasty stories.

How to get rid of them: Collectors are sneaky, so you might be deep into the interaction by the time your warning bells go off. The easiest way to get rid of them is to state a date, time, and place you’d like to meet and wait for them to respond. When they waffle, you tell them you’re looking for people who are serious about meeting.

Men Pretending To Be Women

How to spot them: That slutty bisexual model who is stripping her way through college just sounds too good to be true. That’s because she is. The great thing about men who pose as women is that they are typically bad at it. They write with too many exclamation points and smileys and are far too enthusiastic and confident about everything. Real women tend to use more adjectives in their writing, and show vulnerability or insecurity soon in the interaction. It is more difficult to detect men who are posing as their wives, for obvious reasons. See the “Married Men Who Think They Can Talk Their Wives Into It” section for more on men and their wives.

Their motive: They just want to feel pretty, and are probably picture or story collectors in disguise.

How to get rid of them: Like collectors, these guys are tricky, and have probably reeled you in with their web of lies. Hell, they could have fake Facebook pages for their slutty bisexual model. Also like collectors, the quickest way to end the interaction is to try to pressure them to meet.

Married Men Who Think They Can Talk Their Wives Into It

How to spot them: This is my favourite category of objectionable persons because they will blatantly tell you that they are married men trying to talk their wives into a threesome or foursome. The most common scenario they present is for you to meet the couple in a bar and pretend it is the first meeting ever. The husband says he will get his wife drunk, and then she will turn into the sex slave of his dreams and everyone will ravish her.

Some of these men have a devious side, however, and instead of telling you their plans they will pretend to be their wives. Husbands and wives are excellent at impersonating one another in writing. It might be several messages before you discover what is going on.

Their motive: They want to have wacky, multi-partner sex but their wives aren’t really ready or interested in it. They truly believe they can “talk” them into it. OR they want to fuck other people outside the marriage, but want their wives to condone it.

How to get rid of them: You have a few options with these guys. You can choose not to respond. You can send a polite e-mail that gently exposes the error in their thought process and suggests ways to have a healthy conversation about sex with their wife. Or you can ask to have a phone conversation with the husband and wife. We have had a few interesting conversations about our sex life with couples who are new to wacky sex after sending polite and educational e-mails to husbands. Sometimes they really don’t know any better.

Cross-Dressers

How to spot them: They send pictures and are very up front about their whole deal.

Their motive: They want to be pretty girls. Oh how they want to be pretty girls… but not really. And they want to have sex with you. All in all they’re a perfectly nice lot, but we aren’t particularly interested in them.

How to get rid of them: This one is up to you. These are just normal people who like to wear clothing of the opposite sex. You might not want to get rid of them.

Single Men

How to spot them: They say, “I know you’re not looking for a single man, but here’s why you should keep reading…”

Their motive: They want to make sweet, tender love to anyone that will let them.

How to get rid of them: We usually don’t respond unless the fellow seems super duper nice and desperate, in which case we’ll offer some suggestions for how he can find people to pick up what he is putting down. We’re always up for friendly conversation.

Creepers

How to spot them: Sometimes it’s in the user name, sometimes it’s the way they casually slip their collection of knives into the exchange… and sometimes it’s the serial-killeresque gleam in their creepy-ass eyes. Creepers make your skin crawl, and not in a good way. Yes, that implies that there is a good way in which one’s skin should crawl. Don’t judge me.

Their motive: They want to make sweet, tender love to anything that will let them.

How to get rid of them: DO NOT ENGAGE! DO NOT ENGAGE!

Supercalifragilistic-can’t-spell-or-type-or-read

How to spot them: Wuld u lik me 2 elabrate?

Their motive: Honestly, they just want to get laid like the rest of us. It’s not their fault their stupid.

How to get rid of them: Throw something shiny in the other direction to distract them, or just don’t respond to poorly written e-mails.

Mean People

How to spot them: Any e-mail that contains abusive language and judgmental statements or makes you feel bad about yourself  was composed by a mean person.

Their motive: These people want to crap on your parade.

How to get rid of them: I wholeheartedly believe that saying nothing is the most powerful reply.

The Over-Zealous Responders

How to spot them: You receive a response. Forty-five minutes later you receive another response from the same person asking if you got their first message. Six hours later you find you have seven more messages from the same person. Each message is more impatient, or urgent, or desperate than the last. They can even turn nasty. Don’t these people have jobs and lives?

Their motive: Most of the time they don’t realize how pushy they are. They have smart phones and they will use them… constantly.

How to get rid of them:  If these seem like people you’re interested in, you can reply to one of their messages. Gently tell them you appreciate how excited they are, and that you don’t check your inbox every thirty seconds. However, if you’re like me and incredibly turned off by this behavior, you should thank them for their enthusiasm but frankly state that you’re not interested. If you don’t respond, you will continue to get messages from the Over-Zealous Responders. Mark them as SPAM if you like, but they will never stop.

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Lions, & Tigers, & Self Care

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One couple's wacky, multi-partner sex adventures and quest for poly love.

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