Tag Archives: poly dating

More Than Two | Polyamory: Common Mistakes

Dont assume every problem you encounter is related to polyamory.

When youre involved in any non-traditional relationship model, it can sometimes be tempting to blame every problem you may encounter on that model. This seems particularly true in polyamory, where it might be easy and tempting to blame the polyamory for whatever trouble you may encounter–\”If we werent poly, we wouldnt have to deal with this!\”But thats not necessarily so. Even traditional, monogamous relationships face their fair share of challenges and difficulties.For example, if youre in a poly relationship and you feel that you arent getting enough of your partners attention, it might be tempting to say, \”If you werent also involved with so-and-so, I wouldnt be feeling neglected.\” But in any relationship, situations exist that may distract your lovers attention–work, family, and so on. The problem in this case isnt really polyamory–its time management.Isolating the root cause of the problem, rather than simply blaming the problem on polyamory, is an excellent way to resolve relationship difficulties.

via More Than Two | Polyamory: Common Mistakes.

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Tinder App – Swinger Friendly?

Mr. Amazing and I aren’t the most outgoing people so the idea of an application that exposes us to available people in our area is appealing. We both downloaded the Tinder app for Droid in the past few weeks and have been playing with it. So far I’ve had one interaction with a girl that was more than just a greeting, and my husband has interacted with two girls with whom he’s been able to converse.

Tinder uses your Facebook data and location to show you pictures of other Tinder users. The app allows you to set minimum and maximum age requirements and lets you select one or both genders as well as allowing you to increase or decrease the search radius. You have the ability to choose which photos of yourself are displayed, and you can write a little blurb about yourself. If you don’t do anything with the settings at all Tinder will display your Facebook profile picture and use text from your Facebook profile.

The app takes a few seconds to load when you first log in, stating that it’s searching for users in your area. Once it loads, you are presented with a picture of a user, their age, whether or not you have any friends in common on Facebook, an an option to view more of their pictures. If you like what you see you simply press the green check mark at the bottom of the screen, or you can just swipe to the right. If you’re not interested in person displayed, you select the red x or swipe left.

If someone whom you “liked” likes you back, Tinder tells you you’re a match and allows you to open a chat dialogue with the user. It’s essentially a “straight” version of Grindr with less emphasis on getting laid immediately.

I like Tinder’s user interface, but not the users themselves. The average user is around 23 and lacks the ability to exchange more than five messages. Because Mr. Amazing and I are married, we stated that fact specifically in our profiles, but Tinder doesn’t display your profile unless someone intentionally goes searching for it… leading to more awkward interactions and explanations. Another drawback is that the majority of users are male, so my husband frequently only has 10-20 pictures to rate in a given area before he hits the end of the list.

Tinder works well for a specific bar-crawling, wedding-party-participant crowd of singles, but is not so useful for people trying to hook up for multi-partner sex or even poly dating.  It’s fun to play with in a “hot or not” way, but I ended up uninstalling it about a week after I downloaded it.

If you’re single and under 25 I recommend it, but please say “no” to the backwards ball cap wearing frat boys. We don’t want to encourage that type of behaviour.

 

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The Importance of Being Earnest

We’re seeing a couple. We like them. He’s an ex-ballerina turned financier and she’s a sporty mom who is eight feet tall. They have stamina and they’re funny. As I said, we like them, and we’ve seen them multiple times over the summer.

I haven’t been well, and my mother passed away, and I’ve been the subject of what seems like constant medical experimentation over the past year. My libido is fucked if not entirely nonexistent, and I feel pretty awful about myself (and life) in general. But there is one thing that I do very consistently that seems to keep the old engine of life tooting along, and that is that I try to stay positive.

I should have, “I am a trooper,” put on a little sign to hold up whenever people worry that I am not well enough to do whatever it is they want or need me to do, sexually or otherwise. I try to be the little engine that thinks it can, even when it can’t… or even shouldn’t… no, not always…

One of my biggest flaws is that I am very passionately and seriously committed to the comfort and happiness and others. I dislike being late, although I often tend to be for six million reasons or five thousand others, and I dislike cancelling plans simply because I don’t “feel up to it.” What? I don’t feel up to being a person? To spending time with people I like and am attracted to?

The honest answer is that, no, last night I didn’t feel up to it. Yet the couple we’re seeing was understanding and gentle with me. My husband and the wife of the couple did all of the work and her husband and I had more of a laid back evening of watching and talking and touching and giggling.

I feel guilty that I wasn’t at my best, but at least I was present… and sometimes that’s more important than being fabulously awesome and sexy all the time.

People understand that other people are human and that they get sick, and they get tired, and that they have lives. If you come across people who don’t seem to be understanding when you aren’t at your best, I hope you’ll reconsider and keep looking… because they don’t deserve your time.

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a^2 + b^2 = c^2

Why yes, that is the Pythagorean equation!

Recently I posted this ad: 

Go On An Exciting Date With a Couple This Weekend!

Are you a pretty lady who would like to have a nice dinner with a couple with whom you might just later make out? Are you an m/f couple looking to spice up your marriage with a little swingy fun? Do you just like meeting weird, quirky people and eating food with them? Is a subtle lack of eye contact “not that big a deal?”

Get in touch with us! We’re an easy-going couple… not so bad on the eyes… who enjoy good food, and meeting good people, and if chemistry is present with said good people… maybe wacky sexventures could happen. Who knows?! He’s medium build, she’s plus-size. We’re looking for something this weekend. Prove you have a pulse by putting the Pythagorean equation in the subject line. 

Single dudes, your efforts are appreciated but, damn… can’t you read?

And we actually got a response! My logic for including an atypical “subject line” request was that people who know the equation off hand are useful, productive individuals… and people who don’t know the equation can fake it with the power of Google proving how industrious they are.
Last night we had a fun date with the couple who responded. No action occurred, but we have a bunch of interesting nerdy stuff in common. We’ll see how it goes. 
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The Cancellation Spiral

After a rather successful first encounter, and I say successful because the chemistry was right between all parties and not because there was some sexy-time, we’ve been eager to see our new couple again. Because of their childcare situation, we had a plan in place to hang out last Friday that was formed weeks ago. On the eve of our date, last Thursday that is, Mr. Amazing received a text from the wife informing us that they had been dealing with a broken-down vehicle. She also mentioned that her time of the month had come early. Therefore, they cancelled our date for last Friday night.

We get it. Stuff happens. Things come up and plans have to change. Well, Mr. Amazing gets it. I don’t get it as much. In fact I have been in a rather awful mood about the entire thing since last Thursday. It took me a few days, but I finally figured out why I have been in an awful mood. My feelings are hurt because I think the real reason they cancelled was because certain sexual things were no longer on the table.

When I voiced those hurt feelings to my husband, he reminded me that we have never had to worry about childcare and that the couple seemed to have limited chances to get away. The couple uses family to care for their small child and doesn’t want to use up that resource. So it was less about not being able to have sex and more about trying to make the most of the times they are able to spend time with us.

And Mr. Amazing is absolutely right and being entirely healthy about the cancellation, even after putting up with my grumpy ass all weekend.

During all of my grumpiness, the couple told us they had rescheduled some things on their end and could drive down this coming Friday. We played hard to get and waited for twenty-four hours before we committed to a new date for our… date. I then confirmed that we were able to move things around on our calendar to make Friday night work for us. I wasn’t as  grumpy after that.

As my husband was getting ready for work this morning he asked if I received “the text message” from the wife. I had not. He then told me that the couple had cancelled yet again. Apparently the wife’s friend “freaked out” about the change in the wife’s travel plans.

Do I have to be reasonable about the most recent cancellation? Am I the only one who thinks that it is impolite to make plans with someone when you have not yet fully cleared out prior plans with other people? Am I supposed to care that the wife’s friend freaked out? But, again, the excuse for their cancellation is valid. The wife did have plans to go out of town originally instead of seeing us, and it is altogether possible that she told her friend about the cancellation and the friend waited to freak out until after the couple had already made new plans with us. If we are going about dating these people properly, shouldn’t the friendships that are important to them be important to us as well?

Welcome to PolyAmazing’s Cancellation Spiral. It has been our experience that once someone we like starts cancelling plans they will continue to cancel plans until we give up on them entirely. Granted, it can take a while for us to give up on people. But once the flaking happens, it doesn’t stop. That means that either my husband or myself, and sometimes both of us, start to feel negatively about the other party. Remember that this is just like dating for us. We genuinely like these people and we get excited about them in a romantic context. We aren’t just meeting people for sex, we aren’t swinging, we’re just looking for the right person or people to have in our lives.

We are both guilty of getting attached to people too quickly. Given the amount of rejection we have faced in our polyamorous journey, we could be far more jaded than we are. I see our ability to open our hearts to new people as a positive trait. Unfortunately that trait also makes it easy for our emotions to quickly sour.

We are really hard on ourselves when things don’t go well with a date, a new friendship, or a relationship. We constantly wonder about the what-if and if-only.

The trick to avoiding the Cancellation Spiral is to take things at face value. We have to believe that this new couple is both interested in us and disappointed that they have had to cancel plans twice. We also have to believe that they are cancelling plans due to external factors and not because they are having second thoughts about seeing us. Lastly, we have to keep our feelings in check.

Easier said…

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“Basically, if SexGeek was a hipster, and polyamory was a band, she’d be twirling her ridiculous handlebar mustache and rolling her eyes about how polyamory used to be cool but then it sold out.  Then she’d take a swig of her Starbucks and a drag on her cigarette.”

via Polyamory Sucks | That Thing You Like Sucks RE: “The Problem with Polynormativity.”

Polyamory Sucks | That Thing You Like Sucks

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Soft Swap Gets Harder

Since our great first date with a couple last weekend we’ve been text-messaging with said couple about our next date. If you’ll recall from “I Am the True Naughty American,” the new couple that we’re “seeing” was only interested in soft swap  for our first encounter. Now that we’ve met and fooled around they’re lifting some of their restrictions, which is both expected and very cool.

During our first date, on one of our many trips to the powder room to talk about how to get the action started, the wife confessed that they weren’t opposed swapping fully (especially with us.) The Mister and I are full swap pro’s from Dover, but that wasn’t always the case. We took our time. It is perfectly acceptable for a couple to work their way up to actual intercourse in group sex scenarios. I tend to be extremely nurturing with couples who are new to multi-partner sex. Actually, I prefer couples who have limited experience. It is so easy to become jaded and cheesy about wacky sex. Green couples = less sexventure baggage  = less crazy-ass drama and more time for scooty!

I sound like a total frat boy.

Moving on. In a conversation with the husband of the couple last night, I learned that while he is entirely comfortable with my Mister penetrating his wife, the wife isn’t quite ready to see her husband fuck another woman. What is good for the goose, isn’t good for the gander… yet.

Okay, well, um… that’s just fine. One of the things that I really love about our wacky, multi-partner sexventures is seeing my Mister enjoy himself with another woman. My husband and I have excellent sex, so I know just how good he can make another woman feel. I also have a voyeuristic streak, and I will never pass up an opportunity to see sexy people doing it.

We genuinely like these people as people, and it is rare that four separate personalities click with true chemistry. At times either the Mister or I have ended up taking one for the team for the sake of the group sexual experience and had sex with someone who is nice enough, but to whom we weren’t very sexually attracted. It isn’t an ideal situation, but it happens. We don’t always feel fantastic afterwards- that also happens. Yet, because we like both the husband and the wife, it is so much easier for me to wait to have sex with this guy. Usually I’m more attracted to the female of the couple. I try to get men off sooner rather than later so that I may return to pleasuring their ladies. With this new couple, however, I am very attracted to both the husband and the wife… so I’m cool with hanging out on the sidelines for a little while.

I won’t be alone on the sidelines. I’ll have a fun sideline-buddy who seems to be very keen to get head while he watches his wife get nailed by my husband.

I’m into that.

 

 

 

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I Am the True Naughty American

We had an awesome date with a new couple this weekend!

It started with dinner, then moved back to our house for a game of True American with modified rules to encourage kissing if more than one person landed on the same spot. Then we played a game of War/Truth or Dare by the fire that sent the Mister and the other guy’s wife into the other room for 30 seconds of making out… during which time I totally made out with her husband. Then I was sent into the other room with the husband for 60 seconds for more making out.

And then the wife pulled me into the bathroom for a consultation.

You see, the couple that we met for dinner on Saturday night is new to the world of wacky, multi-partner sex. We met them on AFF about a month ago. At first we engaged in an e-mail exchange in which all parties were involved. Then we gave them our mobile phone numbers so we could all text for more real-time communication. They told us that they were interested in friendship and soft swap encounters, but have no actual experience.

The wife wanted to know how we started things, if we should put on a show for the men, if I was okay with everything that was happening, and if we were comfortable with being in different rooms. Normally this is a discussion that everyone has before meeting so that if something sexual starts happening everyone is on the same page. Well, we just didn’t get around to it. We really like these people as individuals and got caught up in talking about other aspects of our lives. We sort of forgot to have the Important Sex Talk before we got down to the naughty-naughty. It isn’t sexy to have the Important Sex Talk right before the sex is supposed to start happening, but sometimes that’s just how it works out. It also isn’t the greatest idea to have the Important Sex Talk with 50% of the people to whom the talk applies in the other room wondering where the pretty women went. Oh well.

I put on my Underpants Captain hat and handled that shit. I am nothing if not charming and reassuring. Yes, I told her, I was absolutely okay with everything.  No, I told her, we didn’t need to put on a show, but we could absolutely start kissing one another and see where things led.

A few minutes later she and I were kissing on the air mattress the Mister had set up by the fire. The Mister was behind me kissing my neck, her husband was behind her doing much the same. There were hands and hands and hands. Once I was satisfied that everyone was comfortable I, as the Underpants Captain, declared clothing unnecessary!

Really, once you get people stripped down to their underwear it’s only a matter of time before things are going to progress. Since they were soft swap and we knew they didn’t want to have intercourse with us, we focused on kissing and exploring with our hands. Fingering and cunnilingus were definitely on the menu Saturday night.

Here are some of my favourite naughty moments:

  • Getting roughly fingered by the husband while I was blowing my Mister, and hearing the wife tell my Mister that she had told her husband to do that
  • Kissing the wife while she and I were getting fucked
  • The husband holding my leg back while my Mister fucked me

Obviously it was a very long night of sexventure… but there is one moment that stands out among the rest:

 

I won the first game of True American.

 

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What Is Polyamory? In < 5 Minutes [Sex+]

My obsession with Hannah Hart led me to her appearance on Sex+ with Laci Green, aptly titled My Drunk Sex+, which then led me to Laci Green’s excellent breakdown of polyamory.

I think she sums it all up rather nicely:

@gogreen18

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OKCupid Is Creepy & Helpful

We received this e-mail from OKCupid this evening:

 

Hey OKCupid Member,

We noticed it’s snowing tonight in your city. Our statistics show that more people sign in when there is bad weather. It’s the perfect time to message that special someone!

 

Informative? Disturbing?

You decide!

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Lions, & Tigers, & Self Care

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One couple's wacky, multi-partner sex adventures and quest for poly love.

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