If you’re poly, and you’re not part your local poly community, join Fetlife! You’ll find lots of people just like you!
Here’s a link to a great explanation of what Fetlife is:
“Dont assume every problem you encounter is related to polyamory.
When youre involved in any non-traditional relationship model, it can sometimes be tempting to blame every problem you may encounter on that model. This seems particularly true in polyamory, where it might be easy and tempting to blame the polyamory for whatever trouble you may encounter–\”If we werent poly, we wouldnt have to deal with this!\”But thats not necessarily so. Even traditional, monogamous relationships face their fair share of challenges and difficulties.For example, if youre in a poly relationship and you feel that you arent getting enough of your partners attention, it might be tempting to say, \”If you werent also involved with so-and-so, I wouldnt be feeling neglected.\” But in any relationship, situations exist that may distract your lovers attention–work, family, and so on. The problem in this case isnt really polyamory–its time management.Isolating the root cause of the problem, rather than simply blaming the problem on polyamory, is an excellent way to resolve relationship difficulties.
The Mister and I have opened the relationship up. That’s right! We’re dating separately. It’s an experiment.
I have placed a few ads on Craigslist and made myself a separate profile on AFF. The influx of penis pictures on AFF is overwhelming, but I’ve managed to keep the cocks at bay in my email inbox by carefully constructing my ads.
So far I have met a drama-prone, self-described Chap-stick Lesbian I’ve been text-messaging, a Scientist Dude with whom I have a congenial email exchange, and a Slacker Dude I met on AFF chat who has not yet tried to show me his penis, but threatens to do so if I don’t declare the absolute genius of Bill Murray. Of course I have had many more interactions with people (the needy musician, the over-zealous cross-dresser, the aged hipster) whom have not made the cut.
I did receive an incredible picture of what I can only describe as Jesus with a Photoshop-enhanced man-chest. Unfortunately he went into the trash bin with many others.
I have yet to meet anyone in person, as I am still in the vetting process. I came close this evening, but Scientist Dude got stuck at work.
It’s hard to be a single married woman!
Mr. Amazing and I aren’t the most outgoing people so the idea of an application that exposes us to available people in our area is appealing. We both downloaded the Tinder app for Droid in the past few weeks and have been playing with it. So far I’ve had one interaction with a girl that was more than just a greeting, and my husband has interacted with two girls with whom he’s been able to converse.
Tinder uses your Facebook data and location to show you pictures of other Tinder users. The app allows you to set minimum and maximum age requirements and lets you select one or both genders as well as allowing you to increase or decrease the search radius. You have the ability to choose which photos of yourself are displayed, and you can write a little blurb about yourself. If you don’t do anything with the settings at all Tinder will display your Facebook profile picture and use text from your Facebook profile.
The app takes a few seconds to load when you first log in, stating that it’s searching for users in your area. Once it loads, you are presented with a picture of a user, their age, whether or not you have any friends in common on Facebook, an an option to view more of their pictures. If you like what you see you simply press the green check mark at the bottom of the screen, or you can just swipe to the right. If you’re not interested in person displayed, you select the red x or swipe left.
If someone whom you “liked” likes you back, Tinder tells you you’re a match and allows you to open a chat dialogue with the user. It’s essentially a “straight” version of Grindr with less emphasis on getting laid immediately.
I like Tinder’s user interface, but not the users themselves. The average user is around 23 and lacks the ability to exchange more than five messages. Because Mr. Amazing and I are married, we stated that fact specifically in our profiles, but Tinder doesn’t display your profile unless someone intentionally goes searching for it… leading to more awkward interactions and explanations. Another drawback is that the majority of users are male, so my husband frequently only has 10-20 pictures to rate in a given area before he hits the end of the list.
Tinder works well for a specific bar-crawling, wedding-party-participant crowd of singles, but is not so useful for people trying to hook up for multi-partner sex or even poly dating. It’s fun to play with in a “hot or not” way, but I ended up uninstalling it about a week after I downloaded it.
If you’re single and under 25 I recommend it, but please say “no” to the backwards ball cap wearing frat boys. We don’t want to encourage that type of behaviour.
We’re seeing a couple. We like them. He’s an ex-ballerina turned financier and she’s a sporty mom who is eight feet tall. They have stamina and they’re funny. As I said, we like them, and we’ve seen them multiple times over the summer.
I haven’t been well, and my mother passed away, and I’ve been the subject of what seems like constant medical experimentation over the past year. My libido is fucked if not entirely nonexistent, and I feel pretty awful about myself (and life) in general. But there is one thing that I do very consistently that seems to keep the old engine of life tooting along, and that is that I try to stay positive.
I should have, “I am a trooper,” put on a little sign to hold up whenever people worry that I am not well enough to do whatever it is they want or need me to do, sexually or otherwise. I try to be the little engine that thinks it can, even when it can’t… or even shouldn’t… no, not always…
One of my biggest flaws is that I am very passionately and seriously committed to the comfort and happiness and others. I dislike being late, although I often tend to be for six million reasons or five thousand others, and I dislike cancelling plans simply because I don’t “feel up to it.” What? I don’t feel up to being a person? To spending time with people I like and am attracted to?
The honest answer is that, no, last night I didn’t feel up to it. Yet the couple we’re seeing was understanding and gentle with me. My husband and the wife of the couple did all of the work and her husband and I had more of a laid back evening of watching and talking and touching and giggling.
I feel guilty that I wasn’t at my best, but at least I was present… and sometimes that’s more important than being fabulously awesome and sexy all the time.
People understand that other people are human and that they get sick, and they get tired, and that they have lives. If you come across people who don’t seem to be understanding when you aren’t at your best, I hope you’ll reconsider and keep looking… because they don’t deserve your time.
Did your brain finish the thought in my title?
Mr. Amazing and I don’t play separately from one another because we enjoy seeing one another feel good. We love each other and dig on each other sexually.
But that’s not the entire reason we play together. We do it because we rarely meet people with whom we have connection enough to venture into that “next step” area of separate play and interaction. When we first meet a girl or a couple we’re a unit. We are individuals within that unit, but we’re a package deal. Like one? You have to take the other… and so forth. But when relationships develop and grow past the initial getting to know you phase of love/sex… we are separate in our affections for the other people and we each have different self-sustaining friendships with those people.
G. is a long-time friend of mine. She’s someone whom I love and desire and such. A few years ago the Amazing family took a trip and she was gracious enough to provide us shelter for the night. Months later she came to visit us and we had a really sexy, affectionate weekend… G. and Mr. Amazing and I.
This coming weekend Mr. Amazing is taking a trip to see a baseball team he likes and he’s going to stay at G.’s place. I’m hoping they’ll both have a fun, dirty time together.
Wait, but isn’t that separate play?
Yes, but it’s with someone I trust and he trusts. Mr. Amazing and G. have a friendship and talk regularly, more so than she and I speak. I’m horrible at friendship maintenance, but she knows I love her and desire her. I don’t feel like I have to constantly say, “G., I love you,” for her to know that.
Therefore I feel completely comfortable saying, “G., take my husband… Please!”
But I have demanded dirty pictures.
MUAH HA HA HA!
A rather unpleasant discussion on a Polyamory Bulletin Board about not feeling comfortable in some poly relationships triggered this post. I considered outlining the whole mess, but all you really need to know is that someone on the board held the opinion that either you are polyamorous and okay with every single thing that happens in a polyamorous relationship, or you are not polyamorous and you are being selfish by not getting the fuck out of the “lifestyle.”
Obviously that opinion holds no water with me. I’ve been in a poly relationship and there were things that were awesome and there were things that hurt my feelings and there were things that I learned and ways that I grew. One of the most important lessons I learned during that particular relationship is that, no, I don’t know how I will feel about 100% of everything. Therefore it is important to communicate communicate communicate.
The bulletin board thing happened months ago, but I recently received a message from a gal who asked if I’d be willing to talk to her because, given what she had read in the discussion thread, she thinks that she is going through something similar to what I went through.
It’s been some time since I’ve updated this blog and that’s just because we haven’t really had anything going on in the wacky sex department. However I feel it is important that everyone out there trying their hand at poly love knows this:
Human relationships aren’t perfect and that you know yourself as well as anyone else but still not know what you want. And polyamory and open relationships can work most of the time in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it works all the time. People should experiment with who they are. Sometimes you don’t know how you feel about things until you’ve been doing them for years and one day you realize you’re not happy. That’s life AND polyamory.
Life is an experiment.
After a rather successful first encounter, and I say successful because the chemistry was right between all parties and not because there was some sexy-time, we’ve been eager to see our new couple again. Because of their childcare situation, we had a plan in place to hang out last Friday that was formed weeks ago. On the eve of our date, last Thursday that is, Mr. Amazing received a text from the wife informing us that they had been dealing with a broken-down vehicle. She also mentioned that her time of the month had come early. Therefore, they cancelled our date for last Friday night.
We get it. Stuff happens. Things come up and plans have to change. Well, Mr. Amazing gets it. I don’t get it as much. In fact I have been in a rather awful mood about the entire thing since last Thursday. It took me a few days, but I finally figured out why I have been in an awful mood. My feelings are hurt because I think the real reason they cancelled was because certain sexual things were no longer on the table.
When I voiced those hurt feelings to my husband, he reminded me that we have never had to worry about childcare and that the couple seemed to have limited chances to get away. The couple uses family to care for their small child and doesn’t want to use up that resource. So it was less about not being able to have sex and more about trying to make the most of the times they are able to spend time with us.
And Mr. Amazing is absolutely right and being entirely healthy about the cancellation, even after putting up with my grumpy ass all weekend.
During all of my grumpiness, the couple told us they had rescheduled some things on their end and could drive down this coming Friday. We played hard to get and waited for twenty-four hours before we committed to a new date for our… date. I then confirmed that we were able to move things around on our calendar to make Friday night work for us. I wasn’t as grumpy after that.
As my husband was getting ready for work this morning he asked if I received “the text message” from the wife. I had not. He then told me that the couple had cancelled yet again. Apparently the wife’s friend “freaked out” about the change in the wife’s travel plans.
Do I have to be reasonable about the most recent cancellation? Am I the only one who thinks that it is impolite to make plans with someone when you have not yet fully cleared out prior plans with other people? Am I supposed to care that the wife’s friend freaked out? But, again, the excuse for their cancellation is valid. The wife did have plans to go out of town originally instead of seeing us, and it is altogether possible that she told her friend about the cancellation and the friend waited to freak out until after the couple had already made new plans with us. If we are going about dating these people properly, shouldn’t the friendships that are important to them be important to us as well?
Welcome to PolyAmazing’s Cancellation Spiral. It has been our experience that once someone we like starts cancelling plans they will continue to cancel plans until we give up on them entirely. Granted, it can take a while for us to give up on people. But once the flaking happens, it doesn’t stop. That means that either my husband or myself, and sometimes both of us, start to feel negatively about the other party. Remember that this is just like dating for us. We genuinely like these people and we get excited about them in a romantic context. We aren’t just meeting people for sex, we aren’t swinging, we’re just looking for the right person or people to have in our lives.
We are both guilty of getting attached to people too quickly. Given the amount of rejection we have faced in our polyamorous journey, we could be far more jaded than we are. I see our ability to open our hearts to new people as a positive trait. Unfortunately that trait also makes it easy for our emotions to quickly sour.
We are really hard on ourselves when things don’t go well with a date, a new friendship, or a relationship. We constantly wonder about the what-if and if-only.
The trick to avoiding the Cancellation Spiral is to take things at face value. We have to believe that this new couple is both interested in us and disappointed that they have had to cancel plans twice. We also have to believe that they are cancelling plans due to external factors and not because they are having second thoughts about seeing us. Lastly, we have to keep our feelings in check.
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