Rules of Engagement Part III: I Am Always The Underpants Captain

The crappy bootlegged New Girl scene above (thanks Youtube!) perfectly captures the awkwardness that settles over a room when someone says, “So… are we going to do this, or what?”

I can dish out some half-assed advice about what to wear and how to meet people all day, but I really only have two words for you when it comes to getting the clothed people in your living room naked and into bed- Underpants Captain.

You’ve met the right someone or someones and you’re ready to make the sexventure action happen. You’re all enjoying wine and perhaps playing a board game or just having a pleasant conversation. At some point in the evening someone is going to look at their watch and wonder when the naked fun times are going to begin. When that happens, the least awkward thing you can do is attempt to move everyone to the bedroom as quickly as possible. I suggest saying something like:

“Why don’t we all go into the other room where it’s more comfortable?”

If that phrase doesn’t drop some panties, I don’t know what will.

Once everyone is in the bedroom, some form of groping or making out is going to occur. This is when you really want to seal the deal by getting everyone as naked as possible as quickly as possible. Screw all of that “I like to take my time and strip a girl slowly blah blah blah” crap and just make nudity happen.

This is where “New Girl” wisdom comes into play. In our house, I am the Underpants Captain. I am always the first one to get naked. Being 1. a woman an having 2. boobs makes other people in the room also want to be naked. I highly suggest making the female/prettier half of your partnership the Underpants Captain. You can certainly let the male/less pretty half try the role of Underpants Captain if your prettier half is shy… but I cannot guarantee successful results.

A suddenly naked man is threatening and/or comical.

A suddenly naked woman is fucking hot.

If the other people in the room are reluctant to take off their clothes, the Underpants Captain should declare, “I am the Underpants Captain, and your clothing displeases me!” in as sexy a voice as possible. If sexy voices don’t work for you, go with the “Thor, God of Thunder” voice. You know the voice of which I speak.

A suddenly naked woman making declarations in a sexy voice is disarming and alluring.

A suddenly naked woman making declarations in her “Thor, God of Thunder” voice is just weird enough to put all others into a state of shock during which you simply remove their clothing for them. You know, to be helpful.

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One couple's wacky, multi-partner sex adventures and quest for poly love.


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